These days, I often get and feel worry, scared, and fear easily. I think about everything. About the next semester which is going to be more and more challenging, about looking for an internship in the midst of a very competitive and challenging situation, whether or not I can renew my scholarship, about my future, my job, my career, etc.... I am also anxious thinking that I might not get good result from the last semester. I did try very hard, I studied like I've never studied before, but I still feel so stupid and lag behind.
These past few days I sent applications to some UN bodies and organizations. Sending applications like that can wait for a long time, like for months, just to get an answer. I'm doing the best what I can do, and it is soooo often that I wish, I wish, I wish everything can be solved immediately without have to endure uncertainty like this. I've prayed day and night, pray so hard and crying for God's answer, but I feel that He's silent still. In days like these, it is very easy to feel that my faith is so greatly shaken that I almost lose hope and give up on God.
Until one day.... I got an email from Sheri Rose Shepherd (it's like a devotional email that I subscribe, but in the form of God's letter for His daughters --- yes, it's a special project designed for girl and women; however, men are of course allowed to subscribe :p ) which titled Wait on Me. The letter blessed me so much when I read it, and I almost burst into tears. It said like this:
Wait on Me, My princess. My timing is always perfect. I know you're anxious about many things, and I see your passion for all the plans I have put in your heart.
I know that you long to fly, and I see your enthusiasm. However, just as a vinedresser nurtures the vine and waits patiently for the right moment to harvest the grapes, so too am I working tirelessly to prepare you to bear much fruit.
Don't run ahead of Me or try to fly before My plans are complete. Your strength will fail you, and your dreams will wither away.
Trust Me that My dreams for you are far greater than you can dream on your own.
You will run farther and soar higher if you will patiently wait for the season of My blessing. Draw close to Me now, and I promise that this season of waiting will bring you the sweetest of rewards.
Your King and Lord of perfect timings
"BUT THOSE WHO WAIT ON THE LORD WILL FIND NEW STRENGTH. THEY WILL FLY HIGH ON WINGS
LIKE EAGLES. THEY WILL RUN AND NOT GROW WEARY. THEY WILL WALK AND NOT FAINT."~ISAIAH 40:31 (NIV)
I felt a sudden comfort came over me and wrapped me. Yes, even until now, I am very vulnerable to the disease of worry and anxiety. I am worried about anything. But I don't want to live in constant worry or fear any more. it sucks!! I don't want to let worry about the future hinder my way to enjoy today.
It's true that we have to think about the future.
It's true that we have to make a good plan, better every moment in our life.
It's true to plan everything.
But it's also necessary to surrender and to know that God is in control, we are just merely human. What can we do? We are powerless. Submit everything we do, submit every single of our plan to the Almighty One.
In one of my conversation with a close friend, I am reminded that God sent me to Geneva for a purpose. He sent me here not to ashame me. And again, I am reminded of the story of the Israelites when they went out of Egypt and walked in the dessert. They were moaning and complaining to Moses, said, "Why is it that you brought us up out of Egypt, to kill us and our children and our livestock with thirst?" (Exodus 17:4). WOW. It was God's purpose to bring His own people out of slavery, yet they didn't believe Him that He is more than able to provide them with food and water. Even the clothes and sandals that they wore didn't become spoiled for walking 40 in the dessert!!!
Applied to my condition, it is very easy for me to say, "Did God send me to Geneva only to be put into a shame and to be mocked at? The situation is so difficult. New language, new cultures, a very competitive surroundings, a pressure to find an internship, worry that I might not be able to renew my scholarship (because if I can't make it, my parents really can not support me), and then about finding a job, etc. Better if I didn't go, maybe I will have been success in Indonesia!" I laugh everytime I think about that now. It's very silly!! Don't I know my God? Isn't He God who can not and never, even for once, break His own promise? As He provided for the Israelites, as He sent a crow to feed Elijah, as He was with Moses and Joshua to conquer the land, as He was with David, is He not with me?
And last night, Mbak Mega reminded me of a verse from Proverb 23:18, "For surely there is a hope (hereafter), and your hope will not be cut off." I feel secured again. What a living word indeed!
It was very sunny today in Geneva. The sun shone so brightly, despite the very cold weather. I took a walk along the lake and enjoying the sun, and I felt how God loves me so much. Knowing that I am loved beyond words give me a peace that trespasses all understanding.... an inner peace, a peace which world can't give. He knows my need even before I do. He has greater plan for me even than I have for myself.
I WILL lift up my eyes to the hills, around Jerusalem, to sacred Mount Zion and Mount Moriah. From whence shall my help come?
My help comes from the Lord, Who made heaven and earth.
He will not allow your foot to slip or to be moved; He Who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, He who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade on your right hand [the side not carrying a shield].
The sun shall not smite you by day, nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you from all evil; He will keep your life.
The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore. (Psalm 121:1-8).
May you are blessed :)